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  ISBN: 9780996018906

  Acknowledgements

  My Lord and Savior, it has been a long journey that you have guided me on until reaching this point. Lord, I thank you. There have been so many times where writing a book was just a thought, a hope, a “never going to happen” situation. But you have spoken to me many, many times—pushing me and telling me to continue facing a fight with something that was only a mere dream back then. Thank you for protecting me and providing me with the thoughts and feelings to be able to express myself verbally. Lord Jesus, without you placing your hands upon my shoulders releasing my inner strength and diminishing the fear of not being able to achieve a career as an author—because of you, Lord Jesus, I have faith. I started from the bottom, but now I’m here!

  My Mom, Barbara thank you for being the wind beneath my wing--- thank you for loving me unconditionally. You have always wanted the best for me---and now, I am well on my way. Thank you for the worries that you had, the tears that you have cried and the prayers that you have prayed. My Dad, Steven, you are extraordinary to me. I have always told those around me--- my Dad will always be my Dad. REGARDLESS, you have never stopped loving me as your daughgter. I am so thankful and happy for you finding unconditional love with Dave. Carl! You have been the best father figure a girl can have, thank you for your guidance, you love, your protection and for wanting the best out of me. My Grany MAMA YATES! The back bone in my family, since a child you have always showered me with your love and wisdom. Thank you for your prayers Grany I love you sooooo much!

  Life can bring forth so many unknown factors in a person’s life. My factor was when I met my husband, DJ. Words can’t explain the love and commitment that I have with you. From day one you have been my knight in shining armor. We together have endured so much that allowed us to grow, to trust and to love one another. When everyone else’s beliefs weakened my ambition, you continued to instill hope and faith in my heart. That I, too, was going to soar for the stars one day. Because of you and your will and strength kept pushing me forward, my belief within myself grew. Thank you for being the best father to our son, and the best husband that I can have. #LetsGetIT!

  My son, DC, from the moment that I found out that you were going to be a part of my world, I yearned for you to have the best. You are my little angel baby, and don’t you ever feel like you’re not able to accomplish what you set out to do, because anything in the world is possible if you set your mind and heart to it. Your mommy has come across many, many people who had doubted her dreams. But please realize that’s why you’re different from those who are against you, because God will always be for you. He’s your biggest supporter and that’s what matters.

  My family and friends who were my backbones from the beginning to the end; I thank you.

  My readers, you are about to indulge in a love roller coaster! Thank you for taking the time to read and support, A Lover’s Mentality. You will not be disappointed! Chattanooga, Tennessee—thank y’all for your patience. It has been a long time coming, but it’s finally here! Everyone, this book is my baby—I birthed my thoughts and feelings into reality, and I gave breathe and life to A Lover’s Mentality. Enjoy!

  Sade

  Prologue

  Over time, I have learned that friendship, relationships, life, and, at times, dealing with others can equal to a lot of bullshit! Someone has to go through it, so why not let it be me? Everything happens for a reason right? That’s what they say. But why me? Why so many ups and downs and so many trials and tribulations. I mean, is it worth the struggle? Between Shame and I, things have been chaotic! Life with me is something to talk about. I didn’t kill anyone; I didn’t rob anything, and I wasn’t addicted to any drug. I loved, I learned, and I lived. I must admit I do have my flaws and misunderstandings, but I can only be me. I’m about lies, secrets, pain, honesty, and some other things boxed up into one personality. But at the end of the day, I will always have a story to tell.

  Ever since meeting Shame, love for me has become tainted. Love has become a lesson. Love is an obstacle, a journey, a feeling. I have found and lost love many times. At least that’s what I think. I have come to realize that as a child growing up it was only puppy love. I have told story after story after story, until I came to the conclusion that this is what my life is based upon. Something only you can relate to. Something he, she, and they can actually think about. That’s only in my opinion. Something may be of your interest, and with me being able to tell you about me, Yemya LaShay Smith, flaws and all.

  Let me introduce you to my inside outs and twisted ways in search of love. About my deepest and darkest secrets, about my thoughts and feelings on love and the shit I had to go through only to have never gotten it. These are the chapters of my life, pages combined into one story after another. Of course, who wouldn’t want to know what goes on behind closed doors? We all have skeletons in our closets. After all, this is what you have been waiting for, isn’t it?

  Yemya L. Smith

  1

  “From day one, you knew that I wasn’t expecting to be in this position I am in this very day … with you.”

  Wat up, babe? I’m thinkin’ ’bout cha!

  That’s the text message I just read from my phone. Saturday, April 3rd at 2:46 am is what I read across the screen of my phone.

  “Hello” I say as I sighed into the phone.

  My life has been so different since I met Shame. Meeting him has impacted my life to a world of unknown lust. Last night, Shame told me that he has decided to move back to Georgia. My mouth dropped at the news. All of a sudden, this man wants to up and move to Georgia without giving it a thought about how I would feel. I had to tell myself to calm down and think about the situation he was in. Jobless, living with his family, no GED or college education, saggy jeans and dreads, and dance moves that would make a chick’s knees weak.

  Shame and I have been together for only six months, and regardless of his struggle, his love has brought so much joy into my life. Everything was going good between the both of us, but I know he has to do what is best for him, which is why I can’t do anything but try to understand. As much as I’m skeptical about his decision, I agreed that I will support him in any way possible. It is what it is. Or is it?

  A couple of days ago, I discovered that he was talking to some girl named Angel who was from Savannah. I hit him up and questioned him about the broad. As always, Shame made up a lie saying that Angel was his old classmate back in grade school. But it was cool. The chick was in Georgia for all I cared, so of course there’s nothing going on between them but phone and Internet conversations. Is this technically considered cheating? How can I say that he has done anything wrong? At least I think I made it up in my mind that he didn’t cheat.

  I read the text again, then glance at the time. I shake my head; it’s one in the morning. I haven’t heard from Shame all day, and now he texts me saying that he was thinking about me, which is rather funny if you ask me. I only received this one text from him, which trips me out. Truth be told, I wasn’t really expecting to hear from him, because the time flew by without me giving a damn if he did or didn’t hit me up. That was how I felt at the time. Right now … well, I miss him, and it slick pisses me off that I haven’t heard from him. All damn day! Now all of sudden he has time to hit me up.

  As much as I don’t want to admit it, I know he is cheating on me. The signs are all there—his attitude and his ways haven’t gone unnoticed beyond my almond-shaped gray eyes. I know Shame loves me, and I couldn’t wait to tell him that I was carrying his baby. The sidelines are irrelevant … at least I want them to be. As much as I want to tell Shame about the baby, I’m not ready yet. I want to think it over before I tell him the news. He already has a baby that
will be due in June, so how much can a man hold on his back?

  Here I am, I have my own place, car and everything else under my roof is independently owned. What does Shame have to offer me is something I can never seem to figure out. Our relationship started off all good until I found out about his ex being pregnant. That’s when his colors began to show. Now we argue, I hear from him every now and then. Not only that but the vibe between Shame and I is beginning to change. I just have that feeling digging within me that things are going to hit the fan one way or the other.

  Thirty minutes into me going back to sleep, I roll over to answer my cellphone that’s lying right next to my ear.

  “Hello?” I answer, rolling over onto my side, placing the phone under the right side of my face so I won’t have to hold it.

  “What’s up, love?” a male voice says.

  I open my eyes, squinting and adjusting them to the light coming from the phone. The caller ID reads, “My Love.” “Hey, Shame, what’s up?” I say, sighing into the phone. I rest my head against the phone and pillow.

  “Nothin’, babe, why you didn’t text me back?” Shame asks.

  As much as I want to tell him that he has a lot of nerve calling me at one in the morning, I don’t. We have a lot to discuss; well, I do for that matter. Now that I’m finally able to chat with him, I have so much to say, but don’t know how to say it. I think about what his reaction will be to the baby news, then decide against it.

  I quickly remind myself that I’m supposed to be mad at him, so I flip my question on him. “What about you?” I inquire. I wonder what his answer will be, hoping something unbelievable happened so I can let this issue go.

  “What have you been up to all day and night?” I ask. “You wait until one in morning to tell me that you were thinking about me? What about the other times? When it was twelve in the afternoon or five in the evening? You weren’t worried about it then, so why now?” I am getting mad by the thoughts of Shame cheating. The nigga has the audacity to call me when I haven’t heard from him all day.

  “You know it isn’t anything like that, Mya. I just been busy all day and my phone been fucked up, baby. I haven’t heard from you either. So what’s up with that?” Shame asks, sighing into the phone. I know where this conversation is leading, and it isn’t going to be pretty coming from my end.

  “Whatever, Shame, don’t try to flip the script on me. For one, you know my damn car is in the shop therefore I can’t come see you Two, you would hit me up any other day. So why is it any different today?” I ask. I’m wide awake now and hanging on his every word just in case his ass slips up. I am ready and waiting like a kettle on the stove boiling to the point that it starts to squeal.

  “I thought you were mad at me.”

  “Shame, if that isn’t the sorriest excuse. When have I talked to you for me to even be mad at you? Hell, I am pissed right now for the simple fact that I am your girlfriend and yo ass didn’t consider hitting me up, but I bet yo hoes where the first ones to get a hello and a good morning!” I sit up in my bed with my back against my cherry-oak headboard. I can’t believe the nerve of him calling me on some “brand new” shit. Like he is Mr. Innocent! I don’t know who he’s trying to fool, but Yemya doesn’t walk in shoes of a fool. Not yesterday, not today, or any other day.

  “Yemya, I don’t have no hoes, neither do I have bitches. I only got you. I don’t know why you sitting over there listening to yo damn friends before you even listen to yo own man. What kind of shit is that? I told you my phone was fucked up. You let Andreyia and yo otha friends get into yo head.”

  “Yeah, that’s what you told me when you could have called me from Tony or Darren’s phone. How do you answer that?” I can’t take this shit with Shame anymore. All this sneaking around is for the birds. By the time I’m about to open my mouth to tell him that it was over, he placed my call on hold. Minutes after realizing that I was still on hold, I look at my phone and check the time. I hang up and place it back in the charger, then I lie back down on my back and stare at the ceiling. I can’t believe Shame just left me on hold.

  As I lie awake in the dark, hoping Shame will at least call back explaining why he left me on hold, or even send me a text to say good night. I guess the other call was more important to him. He never called or sent a text, not to say sorry for leaving me on hold or to even say good night. The things that a woman thinks about can be so mind-boggling. Wondering, thinking, hoping, and wishing that your man is who he say he is, doing what he says he’s doing … respecting you, loving you, being a good man to you. In all, when you don’t hear from him or he’s acting funny, you tend to wonder.

  Because of that, I lie awake all night unable to sleep comfortably because my mind wasn’t at peace. My heart wasn’t at peace, and my world wasn’t at peace. The love that I have for Shame is not bringing me peace. My thoughts torment me for the simple fact that I know he’s cheating. I’m here pregnant and as much as I wanted to be a mother, the time just wasn’t right. How things are between Shame and I is something I don’t want to burden a innocent child with. As much as I want to tell Shame, there wouldn’t been any joy because our love is on a thin line.

  2

  “Critical thinking and you wonder what does love have to do with it?”

  Shame, you think that you can take advantage of me. The lies that you tell aren’t true, baby, it’s just self-explanatory. My mind be stuck on you … forget all the illegal stuff that you do. Your baby mama will soon be due and that part of your life is fucked up. I’m trying to keep my cool, but you make it seem so noticeable. Deep inside I’m feeling you and every second of it of us making love …

  As I look over the few words I’ve written in my journal, thinking to myself about the pleasant ways Shame has brought into my life, I continue to contemplate my future. Now that Shame’s son will be born soon by his ex, I have buried feelings that what we have will not last. I have yet to tell anyone about me being pregnant, because I have doubts about the relationship I’m going to have with his or her father who has yet to give me a reason to why I shouldn’t be feeling the way that I do. There are some things I hear about Shame—his cheating, his scheming, and his lying … all of it is weighing on my heart. My feelings are in the mix because there are times I feel as if I can’t do without him. Everyone seems to be in my ear telling me shit about seeing Shame at the club all up on so and so. Or shit like his baby mama told me this, that and the other; even the messages that I receive on Facebook from other bitches. Pathetic. Shame can be baggage that I don’t need and yet I can’t seem to leave him alone.

  “Ain’t this is some shit,” I say to myself as I sit on top of my queen-size cherry-oak canopy bed. “Every time I turn around he’s trying to fill my head up with some bullshit. Men cheat, and you wonder if all the shit you’ve done for him is good enough.”

  I sigh, flipping through the pages of old entries that I wrote in my journal. My memories poured out on the pages. I guess I’m not good enough. I constantly wonder about Shame’s ways and have yet to come up with a clue. I don’t know if I should remain strong with what we have or let it go and move on.

  I am feeling unappreciated and Shame is not making the situation any better. I put my trust into him and still ended up at the bottom of the barrel. The truth has yet to come out of his mouth. Honestly, I don’t know what the hell I’m waiting for him say. From the looks of it, our conversation is repetitive; there’s no progress. No real love. That’s just how I feel.

  I close my journal and stuff it under my pillow. I climb out of my bed, walk to my full-size mirror, and stare at my naked body. Cupping my breasts in my hands, I then sucked in my stomach. Pinching what little belly fat I have, it’s anything I won’t able to work with. I look at my five-foot-three-inch frame, with my forty-inch hips and ass, and my thirty-six C-cup breasts. I stare at my caramel complexion and pull my shoulder-length hair into a ball on top of my head. It sucks being Indian and black; the mixture makes my skin tone look like mud
. Turning my body at an angle just to get a view of my backside, I glance at the back of my thighs only to notice the cellulite. Sighing, I step away from the mirror and head into my walk-in closet. I search through the many hangers for an outfit. After getting my car out the other day, it need a terrible bath from being in the shop for a few days. Now that the sun is out, therefore, I’m in the mood to pimp my ride. In other words, take it though the three-dollar car wash with the free vacuuming system.

  After pulling out some skinny jeans and a blouse, I take a shower. My apartment consists of two bedrooms and two full-size bathrooms; my bathroom is a cream color with shades of mint green and forest green. To me, it was like a spa. After my shower, I wipe off the fog on the mirror. I swear, Shame better come correct with his shit. Rumor has it that he’s sleeping with these females …

  “Sup, love,” I hear Shame yell. Speak of the devil himself. While I’m drying off, I hear him rustling around in the kitchen.

  “Hey, Shame,” I yell back. With a towel still wrapped around my damped body, I head into the kitchen and lean against the counter, watching Shame gulp down a glass of Kool-Aid as if it was the last thing to drink on Earth. “You must have been pretty thirsty,” I say as I open the refrigerator to grab a bottle of water.

  “Yeah, thirsty for you,” Shame says as he steps closer to me. There’s just something about him that just makes my knees weak. Tucking my towel in so that it won’t fall to the floor, I untwist the top from the water bottle and take a sip. “Are you sure that it’s me you are thirsty for?” I ask.

  “The Kool-Aid was just a lil’ flavor to get me by until I got a taste of you,” Shame says. He steps in front of me and I can smell the cherry flavor Kool-Aid on his breath.

  “Is that right?” I ask with a smirk on my face. As much as I want to play hard and continue to be mad at Shame about leaving me on hold last night, I can’t help myself. His presence makes me horny. Right now, I just want to release a couple of nuts and go on about my day.